My Favorite Least Known National Parks
I know it seems like it hasn’t been very long since I last did a National Park highlight. But I was talking to a friend the other day, and learned he had never heard of several of my most favorite U.S. Parks. That’s crazy. Who hasn’t swam with Marthusela? Who doesn’t quake at the thought of the greater squidopus? Who could help but love the underground highways linking Harrodsburg to Bowling Green, Lexington to Summerset, Johnsville to Owensboro, and so many more?
So today I thought I’d shout out a few parks everyone should know, just in case some of you don’t.
In no particular order are 5 of my favorite least known National Parks.
#1: Lake of the Abyssal Whale.
Location: The mountains of eastern Colorado, on the border with Kansas.
Few are the locations where one can witness the inner workings of our world. The geologic processes which move, split, combine and devour continents are visible only rarely and only at the seams of our world. Often our only evidence of these inner tectonics comes in the form of earthquakes, volcanoes, or seams of lava and steam. Which is why, as you cross into Colorado, you should take the time to stop at the Lake of the Abyssal Whale. Discovered by Early Plains Peoples thousands of years ago, this secret hot spring was only brought to the attention of the US government during a USGS survey in the late 1800’s. “The striking purple waters exude a humid warmth and a briny smell, like the ocean mixed with wine.” — Lt. Elsenora Boone Clampet. Of course, of much more surprise was the giant creature swimming in the waters. “Her astonishing size is only surpassed in peculiarity of her current location. It would be like discovering a goldfish in your boiling pot of coffee.” The Lt. liked his analogies. The water is typically a balmy, but survivable, 110 degrees Fahrenheight. The Lt. named the whale Marthusela to honor his mother. In the years sense scientist have studied the lake, and the whale, discovering that the waters bleed into the boundary between crust and mantle, reaching density’s surpassing rock. This surprise refraction is what yields the amythest color of the water. Marthusela is known to dive to the depths of the lake, and believed to cross into the mantle. Biologists are not certain if the whale which surfaces daily, (seemingly interested in her many visitors,) is the same one seen by the survey nearly a hundred and fifty years ago, or if there is a whole speise of lithopelagic whales beneath the surface and they take turns visiting the upper world.
Highlights: Of course the purple lake is beautiful. But if you have the time, can tolerate a hot spring, and are comfortable swimming with an ancient whale the size of 3 greyhound busses stacked in a row, you should dip your toes into the water, and tell Marthusela I said hi!
Tip: Buy your Swim with the Whale tickets early, she only surfaces twice a day, and in an effort to keep the waters clear of pollutants, trips are limited to two boats of twenty.
#2 Valley of the Zombie Dinosaurs National Park.
Location: New Jersey
Ok. I know you’ve probably heard someone complaining about it before: they aren’t really zombies. More like Walking Skeletons. But the park also isn’t in a true valley, it’s a basin in central New Jersey, but nobody complains about that, or the fact that not all of the creatures are technically dinosaurs. Honestly, I think that the mistake is for the best. Not the naming issue. The fact that they aren’t zombies. You don’t have to worry about them coming for your brains. Anyway, the park was only recently renamed when it became a National Park in the 1970’s and might have gotten the name from the popularity of movies such as the Night of the Living Dead. Formerly, it was known Monument of the Walking Bones. Which also has it’s own naming problems, because fossils aren’t usually bones, instead their mineralized replacement. Ok. Enough quibbles. It’s safe to say that I love this park. Museums are grand, but most of those fossils are static. Many are replacements, which is fine, scientist go to great length to restore and replicate a limited resource so that people around the world can learn more about them, but there is nothing like seeing the remains of creatures from tens, and even hundreds, of millions of years ago, move around, interact, and even perform rituals which go back to the time of the dinosaurs. Any time of day you visit, you can see the roughly 30-35 assorted skeletons move about as though repeating the same actions they would have during life. Walking, grazing (on empty sand,) and even hunting. Especially popular with most visitors is the daily stegosaurus hunt. Although, in life, stegosaurus and T-rex were separated by roughly a hundred million years, these two seem to delight in entertaining visitors with the show, and no one is hurt because neither have flesh. Scientists still can’t decide what caused such an unnatural circumstance. Whether it was some arcane saurian necromancer, a quirk of the local soils, (which are said to glow in the light of a new moon,) or a design yet understood. Maybe you can figure out if you visit.
Highlight: There are several shows which repeat themselves daily, but I would highly recommend the Court of the Pterosaurs. Although no sound whispers through their hollow, boney, beaks, all of the dinosaurs gather once a day to listen to the words they say. One can imagine the wisdom of those formerly winged creatures.
Tip: Rangers like to ask guests to name the longneck dinosaurs on sight This is a trap. They want visitors to guess Brontosaurus. While brontosaurs has returned as a recognized genus, the long necks on site are actually Camarasaurus. The dinosaurs themselves always seem surprised when someone correctly guesses their genus, and they award the crowd with a little extra tail waggle. But the real joke is that the dinosaurs have names. The long necked dinosaur who is slightly taller and has a dangling rib is called Steve. The one with a notable curve in her spine is Molly. And the smaller one is called Arvin.
#3 Kentucky Underground Highway National Park.
I know you have heard me say that I love driving in Kentucky, especially at night. It’s one of my favorite things to do in the state. But what if I could drive the roads of Kentucky at night, anytime. I can! And you can too! Access to this underground highway was proposed in the late 1950’s as an inter-Kentucky alternative to routes like Route 66. But really, these roads were simply an expansion of pre-World War 2 Civilian Concervation Corps projects. Hundreds of Miles of highway were built throughout Kentucky at a fervent pace, spurned on by the tingle of terror which comes in the depths of the earth. These roads were commissioned to provide safe, continuous, access to cities across the state. When the maintenance and upkeep of these roads became too expensive for the state of Kentucky, the government in Frankfort voted to turn the roads over to the US Department of Transportation. However, as overland routes continued to develop, and especially with the introduction of interstates US 75 and US 65, (also US 40 just across the border in Tennessee), the roads were getting less and less use, until someone proposed turning the entire undergrounds road system into a scenic highway. The Road system was turned over to the Department of the Interior and turned into a National Park by Richard Nixon shortly before he left office. In the 1980’s the park undertook one of the most expensive restoration programs in the history of the National Park service, adding more vents and rest stops throughout it’s length, along with emergency service access at every crossroad. Today you can drive the highway from basically any town in Kentucky to any other town in Kentucky. Except for areas around Mammoth Cave, which are protected as a Biosphere reserve, and areas near The Land Between the Lakes, where geologists building the roads determined that the New Madrid Fault System caused the area to be too unstable for long term use. The road system uses a combination of natural underground passages, old mining routes, and distinct passages carved for use of the road. You can see cave formations growing in several locations, and also stop for ranger guided tours along designated routes. The biggest challenge is to find an entrance. But entrances are everywhere. My best suggestion, start in any Kentucky City and drive down. Of course, because this is an underground route, and unlit, except for businesses and the headlights of other cars, (and the occasional lines of flashlights belonging to people on a guided tours,) there are lots of rumors of things creeping in the dark, ghosts wandering through the shadows, and eerie sights just of the road. This park is voted Most Haunted almost every other year, whether that is an attraction or a discouragement I will leave up to you.
Highlights: With thousands of miles of road, there are always new things to see, and several businesses opened to service the underground traffic have made names for themselves. I would highly recommend ordering a cherry pie from Sally’s Pit Stop, located somewhere under Mt. Vernon, just before a bridge over a, (you guessed it) pit.
Tips: Keep your eyes on the road. Don’t stare into the darkness. You never know what might be staring back. While there have been rumors of disappearances in the cave, the actual statistics suggest that this underground road system is much safer than any equivalent amount of paved road located elsewhere overland in the continental United States. You should be fine. Just keep driving.
#4 C’Thun National Park
Location: East Coast. USA.
The creeping horror which rips through the sky in a flash of purple and green tears asunder the clouds and reaches ever down. Twisting, tangling, grasping. Come a little closer, it will all be alright. Come a little closer, stay for the night. There’s nothing to fear the world beyond the veil is calling, and has been calling you for a long, long time. Several Campsites available.
C’Thun National Park was founded before time began. C’thun National Park was founded in the 1980’s to preserve, to contain, to protect. Scientists, and visitors, and tasty are welcome.
Highlights: Look into the sky and despair. Look into the sky: the world is upside down. It’s too late to run. Those tentacles reach out and grasp faster than you can shout. The tentacles stretching into our world are attached to unspeakable horror on the other side. Pray you never have to see it, pray it never learns to pull itself through.
Tips: This park enjoys All Access Days on every Government Holiday, where entrance is free. Any other time of year admission is $20 per vehicle or $10 per person on foot or bike. Bring your own snacks, as the only park concessions are guided tours, an accessible bus ride to beyond, and vending machines, which have been understocked every time I have visited. They do have chilled and filtered water fountains so you can refill your water bottles.
And there you have it! 4 Lesser known parks I would recommend to anyone. Next time you go to any of them tweet @alienjestpress for a chance to meet Marthusela.